What No To Do In Vancouver:
10 Things Locals Learned The Hard Way

By Matt Coolen

Luckily for you we've done it all before, and every time we hear about someone else doing it we can't help but feel bad....we may laugh, but still feel bad at the same time.

I asked a bunch of locals what you should watch out for in Vancouver and this is what I got.

1. Stay the hell off of Main and Hastings! Actually don't go any further east than Cambie on Hastings St. I'm not saying you will get stabbed with a needle - forget that, yes you will. Everyday I see tourists wander south of Water St, up onto Cordova, next thing you know they are on Hastings and have someone following them asking if the need anything. If you find yourself in this area then just go towards the water and mountains back to Water St.

2. Be careful about your parking. The meters are only free from 8pm - 8am, 7 days a week. If you do not put money in your meter, you will get a ticket - every time!

Carla Catherwood of The Burlesque Beauties is quick to tell you; "Beware of where you leave your car from 6-9:30AM and 3-6PM!!! Busters tow trucks just sit there like vultures waiting on unknowing prey! DAMN YOU BUSTERS!!!"

But its not only at those times, ask Sarah Porchetta, who wanted to make sure all the ladies know " Don't think its okay to park on Robson for 5 minutes during rush hour to buy that really cute dress in the window because you will get towed! I learned that the hard way "

Be careful where you park as well when going out at night, stay in busy areas, areas surrounding busy areas, or easy park garages that are monitored. Assuming of course that you want to keep your rims, windows and possessions.

Nine times out of ten your best bet is to leave the ride at home and take a cab, that way you don't need to worry about any of this.

3. Do not try to go out to the clubs without your ID or passport. As Jens from Canthrill will quickly tell you, many people not from Canada that are not used to this strict rule, wait along time in line ups outside of clubs just to get turned away when they can't produce any ID. Don't be one of the people that get made fun of for getting denied at the door.

4. This is a stupid one but, do not get caught jay walking on the busier downtown streets. You will get a ticket, and it will be ridiculous, but it will happen and will be embarrassing. Just chill out and wait for the light to change to avoid this.

5. Don't ever ask for a coffee refill at the elbow room. Just don't.

6. If for some reason you are leaving downtown and are taking a skytrain to get around then make sure you pay when you get on. I know no one is watching, and this isn't exactly Bangkok, but if you get on without a ticket and get caught in one of the many random checks, than you will get a fine and lose a lot of time in the process. Spend the $3 save yourself the headache, stop being cheap.

7. We all have our vices, I like to be hand served Beluga caviar by the daughters of Caspian royalty on yachts in the Black Sea....and vodka and redbull. If you like to smoke weed that's cool too....kinda, just make sure you know where you are getting it from. Do not buy it from some random homeless looking kid on Granville St because it will definitely be oregano or a ball of rolled up grass. You'd be better off smoking catnip. Or how about try nothing at all. There is nothing worse then some dude next to you in the club stinkin' like Harold and Kumar. Not too mention it will make Britney Spears walk off stage. Oh yeah - please don't email me asking where you can get real weed from, I don't know.

8. Okay, I haven't experienced this first hand but I've heard from multiple sources that if you eat at Taco Del Mar than you can expect to end up in the hospital with food poisoning. At least be very careful of eating any chicken scooped out of a bin. I've eaten there and was fine, but from what I now know I was one of the lucky ones.

9. The girls on the corner of Seymour and Nelson do not really think you're handsome, or nice, or smart. Do you really think you are that lucky to find a hot girl in white leather boots up to her knees on your way home AFTER the club and she is free? No, you aren't. They will come home with you, and then they will make you pay them. If this is what you are looking for then fine, just expect to pay, otherwise the next knock on your door you get will be someone they called coming to collect. I hope you're either really rich or really tough....and that you used some heavy duty protection.

10. Last but certainly not least, NEVER eat at Milestone's in Yaletown. I would suggest rolling your money up into a nice sized ball, dipping it into a puddle for flavor and then swallowing it before I would tell you to go there for any meal at anytime of the day. The food is terrible, the service is worse and well the whole experience is just depressing. Milestone's in Yaletown goes down as my least pleasant dining experience in all of Vancouver. And FYI this is not based on just one time.

When in doubt if something looks sketchy or questionable shoot me an email and I'll try to help you out best I can.